May 11, 2010

Start the day at a wonderful performance for my daughter ellie at her school. So awesome to see her sing songs and have fun. she is a true free spirit.
Next off to radiation at 11:30 am and chemo at 1:30 pm. We get to radiation and do my first official radiation, i rocked it. Next off to the hospital cafeteria for a big meal with Chris. I got a huge sandwich with some snacks. I didn't want to go too crazy because i am not sure what chemo will do to my stomach.
1:30 pm came too soon. we went to chemo and checked in. we saw the doctor assistant and nurse. I get my temp, heart rate and weight. looks good, off to chemo. chemo is a big open area with lots of nice leather reclining chairs that make you so comfortable, but my thing is getting a cubbie and cornering it off and having me and chris both have lazy boys to sit it, kind of selfish but seriously there are a ton of chairs, i'll count them next time i'm there, no shortage. we sit in an awesome cubbie and get ready for the nurse, oh yeah, here come the water works from sara. i am terrified of IVs oh and chemo. it's going to happen because this is the treatment I have chosen so i sit there, but i still cry quietly. Chris comforts me and lets me know i am tough and if i'm not tough i am pretty good at faking it so start faking, not really but it sounded good. what would i do without Chris, be severely heartbroken and lost.
Nurse Stephanie comes in and greets us. she is very sweet and kind and is ready to get the ball rolling. first up, she takes my blood and starts the IV, i hate this part but i did it first try. Seriously can't believe it. This IV is started at 1:45pm and Stephanie does not come back until 2pm. Nurse lets me know she is off doing the blood work and making sure all my counts are good. 2pm Stephanie starts my anti nausea meds, i receive two little bags of meds, they take about 30 to 45 minutes. After that comes the saline bag which can take about 1 1/2 hours. During this time I am free to wander the chemo area, work on puzzles, eat, go to the bathroom and bother other patients and nurses. I am not allowed to leave the building, nice try sara. All IV meds sting in my veins so the nurse had to slow the rate down so it takes even longer, oh well, the kids are being taken care of and thats most of my worry. 4:50 pm rolls around and i finally get hooked up to the chemo. Not a good feeling going in my veins, burns and makes me sleepy sort of. I figure we won't get finished until after 6pm so i just sit back and relax. i make several trips to the bathroom. Chris leaves and gets prescriptions filled and I try to rest. I ended up closing the place. my first time and i'm already causing problems. Not really but that too entirely too long.
While leaving chemo I feel heavy and tired. Heavy like i have so much liquid in my body i can't get rid of it and physically tired. Tired of crying, tired of stressing and worrying about what its going to be like, and tired of missing my girls. i just want to get home and eat. But what do i want to eat, toast. lame. I had no appetite when i got home. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. oh did i mention I have 4 different pills to keep my from puking. Crazy how many drugs they can prescribe when i know of one earth ground herb that can cure all of these illnesses. Too bad i am still fighting off a wicked cough. later days.
Still can't believe i have cancer, hard to believe. i remember when I told my friend Tim I had it and I thought, "you're lying Sara, you shut your mouth and tell him that was a lie, but it was the truth," I just couldn't believe it.

May 10, 2010

dry run. today i go to get set up on the Trilogy radiation machine. the daily procedure lasts about 5 minutes. i check in at the front desk, change into a robe if i'm not wearing soft pants, and work on a puzzle. The nurse will eventually come get me, I only end up waiting a few minutes. Chris comes with me to every appointment. i don't know what i would do without him. i guess i would do it myself but having a support system is a great gift for me. having a shoulder to cry on is also real helpful.
i took pictures of the room so people could see what it looks like. i especially like the ceiling art of tree blossoms. gives me something to focus on and relax during the procedure. before laying down i sign in and rate my pain for the day and any other issues. Then I lay on the table in a fake pair of my legs that have been molded to my legs to make sure i have an exact fit every time, doesn't really make sense. I have three tattoos on the parts of my body that are getting radiated. The technicians line up the machine to my exact dimensions and leave the room closing me off to the world with a door that is about 6 inches thick, i think im getting the short end of the stick or whatever. The machine starts on my right hip, one buzz for about 12 seconds, then the machine moves around to my abdomen for 10 seconds, and so on until it ends on the fourth round on my back. The machine resets itself and the hugemongous door opens and the techs come back inside to get me off the slab. thats radiation. welcome to my weekdays at 10 am until june 17.

May 7, 2010

Today i have decided to go to girl scout camp with Millie. I just hope i won't be a party pooper. I got us both packed and loaded up the Subaru. I asked Auntie Jen to watch Ellie for the night while we are at camp because Chris will be working late. We drive to Orem and we stop at Auntie Adies house. At Adies house i take a rest for about 1 1/2 hours and then me and Millie head up Provo Canyon to Trefoil girl scout camp. Oh yeah, Adie is going to drive Ellie down to Jens house so i don't have to, what a great sister.
At Trefoil we unpack the car, actually other moms helped us take our stuff to the lodge, i don't think i could have done it alone.
We got unpacked and set up with our mattresses.
Millie had so much fun running around with the other girl scouts from her troop. it was so much fun. That night we had potato bar dinner and dessert. After food we had singing and goofing around time. I was so much fun to watch Millie learning new songs and new friends.
That night was the longest night ever. I was getting up to go to the bathroom and the room we slept in had the loudest door so every time anyone went to the bathroom it slammed. No one thought the prop it open, not even me, what was i thinking? Oh well the fun of camping.
Next day we had breakfast and crafts and we even went on a hike. We stayed until about 2pm and left. Millie told me she had lots of fun and didn't mind that i sat around a lot. Thank goodness. I'm glad i made myself go and not just take the easy way out and lay in bed. What great memories for Millie and me.

May 4, 2010

we got millie off to school and i had chris go to work because a CT scan couldn't be that difficult. i sent ellie with amy and asked amy if she could drive me to the alta view hospital for the scan. i told her it wouldn't take that long, little did i know it would take far longer than i expected. i went up to the second floor to admitting and waited for about 10 minutes. i checked in and the admitting lady told me i needed to pay because sometimes insurance companys don't pay for CT scans. great to know just before the procedure. she then tells me they can run up to $5000. WTF? off to radiology.
i check in and the lady hands me some papers to fill out and a huge jug of yellow liquid. "you need to drink a cup of this every 20 minutes. you will need to finish by 1pm." 1pm i'm not staying that long. i asked her when this would be finished and she said 2pm. i started freaking out. she then told me i would have an IV. this is what made me start crying. i went out in the hall and called amy and told her it would be a long appointment and she was okay with watching ellie. thank goodness.
i went back into the waiting area and started drinking the liquid. it tasted like diet crystal light. i would plug my nose to drink it. it was very nasty. this started at 11:30 and ended at 1:15, almost 2 hours later. "SARA?" the nurse was calling me finally. she lead me to the procedure room. she asked me if i was wearing any metal clothing and i said no. i did something right. she told me to drink the rest of the drink, which i just threw away. i saw the machine and the table i had to lay down on and i freaked out. i held it together for a little bit. "how are you sara?" "super duper." i said to the nurse. she asked what i was being seen for and i told her cancer. she said oh i'm so sorry and i almost lost it. hold it together. i got on the slab and told them i need something under my knees. they put something for support. the nurse decided to start the IV on my left arm. she tried once and couldn't get a line so she called the nurse. he came in and talked a lot. i was now gently crying and trying to answer his never ending questions. he poked me once in the left arm and then changed to the right arm. "let me go get the cheater", the nurse said. i said okay and he went and got an ultrasound machine. he tried one more time and got a line in without the machine. the nurse told me i was going to taste a metal taste in my mouth and it will feel like im peeing my pants. great! she told me to raise my hands above my head and listen to the commands of the machine. i am still having a hard time not crying and the IV isn't feeling good. in fact it is stinging a little. i go in and out of the donut shaped machine 2 or 3 times then the nurse says there is going to be a warm feeling in my iv and i should just relax. it started stinging and i could taste the metal and it felt like i peed my pants."i think i just peed my pants." the nurse said it just feels like it and i said i think i really peed my pants. she promised it wasn't pee just a feeling and she stopped the machine. she said we are going to wait 2 minutes then start again. i just wanted it to be over. i went through the machine 2 or 3 more times and then the nurse asked if i had any more tests. i have no idea, don't they know this. in a nice voice i said, "not that i know of", and she took out my IV. thank goodness. she got the support from under my knees and i sat up.
i got my things and started back toward the waiting room. i heard my phone ringing and it was chris. he told me he was at the hospital but the wrong hospital. i told him just to meet me at home and i would have amy pick me up. she came and got me. she and ellie had so much fun. they went to mcdonalds, the library and then the grocery store. amy was so sweet about taking care of ellie. i so appreciate her doing that for me. i want to repay her but i dont know how? chris came home and stayed with me. i don't know how people go through this alone.
chemo meeting that night. somewhat informative. the nurse said i might lose patches of my hair, i thought i wasnt going to lose any. we got a big packet and we had a tour. watched a really old movie with real bad devotionals by real bad actors, they said they were real people but i beg to differ. Finally got home and went to bed, long day.

May 3, 2010

Got Millie off to school and ellie off with Melissa Fowler. Melissa said she would watch Ellie while Chris and i go to see Dr. Thomson. we get to Dr. Thomson's office and get checked in right away. First the nurse checked my weight, blood pressure and asked a few questions about my health. the nurse got out a gown from the cupboard and said "the doctor likes to have his patients get undressed for their first visits". Chris and I laughed about that, wouldn't that be a great line for all doctors no matter what their profession, dentist, foot doctor, eye doctor. just sounded so funny at the time.
The doctor wanted to give me a pelvic exam and anal exam. so uncomfortable. the doctor saw the cancer and said, its still there, we had a chuckle. we talked about radiation and the doctor told me i would be led to the radiation machine to get set up for the future radiation treatments. the nurse came in and i recognized her from somewhere. come to find out she is a master gardener so we talked about gardening the whole time. She lead Chris and me to the changing room and told Chris to wait there and then lead me to the radiation room. she had me get up on a table that was connected to a big donut looking machine. i got on the table and they started getting me ready for the set up. they put this weird sheet thing that molded to my lower half, butt and legs. Every time i come to radiation i get in this mold so everything matches up. The nurse put a rod thing in my vagina and then taped it to my leg. this was to help find the points on the outside of my body to put the tattoos. The nurses went into the other room and started the machine with the doctor. The ceiling of this room has beautiful blossoms on it, very relaxing for me. The machine pulls you through three times and all i have to do is lay still. after the machine has pulled me through the nurses marked the three points on my body where the laser will be pointed. then the nurse pokes me with a needle that has ink on it to make a tattoo. i now have three tattoos, two on my hips and one on my abdomen. when this was completed they showed me the mold of my legs and lead me back out the the changing area. That's the process for radiation.
after radiation i was told to go get a chest xray and then tomorrow i go get a CT scan, whatever that is. Radiology is on the 2nd floor. we checked in and went right back to x-ray. They had me undress again. I got in a gown and went right back. chest x-rays are the easiest procedures i have ever done. Well we left x-ray and went home to enjoy the rest of the day. Tomorrow CT scan, whatever that is....

April 30, 2010

Just got home from Dr. Nibley appointment. It did not turn out the way i wanted it to. first of all let me just tell you being a cancer doctor is a business. yeah they want to help you get better but i was interviewed by three people before meeting the doctor.
first you get weighed, blood pressure and height. then the nurse leads you to the room. then she asks a few questions and leaves. then the insurance advocate comes in and discusses insurance, she also lets us know about meetings where we can meet other cancer patients.
next lady comes in is a nurse practitioner or something like that. she asks about my health history my family history and anything else you can imaging relating to my health. then she examines me. this woman was interesting, she was a road biker. she was real random, braces on teeth partially colored gray hair and purple ballet shoes. interesting lady.
Then Dr. Nibley comes in after Chris and I watch a portion of the Hangover movie on my ipod, great movie to cheer me up. Dr. lets me know chemo treatment is not a one time pill. right now i am crying inside. he says chemo will be once a week for six weeks and will last three 1/2 hours by IV. what the fuck? possible side effects are nausea, tiredness, hair loss diarrhea and low immune system. i can get sick easily on chemo so i need to take real good care of myself.
now we have to meet with Dr. Thomson, radiation specialist, on monday to find out the final plan. i am not excited for the outcome.

april 17, 2010

going home day. this morning we found out we got our credit card stolen from the 7 11 gas station pump and was used in LA, CA. what a great way to start the day. doc said i can go home. take one more shower for the road. i get my IVs and staples out. also get one more stomach shot, blood thinner. so glad to be going home. i rode in a wheel chair downstairs because i didnt feel strong enough to walk. Got home and all the tulips were out and blooming. Chris' sister Jill came over and cleaned the whole house. it looked amazing. so nice to come home to a clean house. First thing i did when i got out of the car was walk around the house to see the backyard and garden. Oh how i wish i could be digging in the dirt right now.
Off to bed for a nap and dinner brought to me on a tray. I felt like a princess, with a ripped open abdomen. Home sweet home.