May 18, 2010

Good radiation day. I said hi to the nurses and smiled and meant it. Forgot my ipod again. When I get in the radiation room they hook up my ipod so i can listen to my music. Kind of nice to have to relax. Next time I'll remember. Went home and relaxed.

May 17, 2010

It starts all over again. Today was a very difficult day and actually an eye opening day. We got to radiation early and worked on the puzzle with Chris and some other patients. I got radiated and came back to the waiting area to meet with Dr. Thomson,radiation doc. As chris and I walk to the doctors office I get teary eyed and lose my thoughts. I have a list of things I want to talk to the doc about but I am now realizing with the crying feeling I won't be able to speak without snot coming out of my nose and tears trying to get in my mouth, they always do. Before meeting the doc, I get weighed, i've lost 1 pound and 1 ounce. The doc wants me to start eating more calories, which I thought i was doing. I start to talk and then look to Chris to finish my sentences, i am still crying. Chris tries to tell the doc what I am feeling and with my snotty nose and wet face explaining how difficult this treatment is and how i don't know how I'm going to make it another five weeks. doc says i may need some antidepressants. WTF? i don't want to take any pills, i just want to get back to my working out and getting the natural high from a good sweat. Doc says that is not possible right now and I think you need meds. I of course cry and take the prescription. Little do I know I already have a plan, I just didn't know it yet.
We got up to chemotherapy around 11:39pm, thats 1 hour and some late. This is going to be a long day! Still watery eyes I sit in the waiting room patiently and I don't even partake of the candy basket, weird huh? Nurse "extremely full of sunshine and funny remarks" comes to take us back to get temp, oxygen, heart rate and weight. Next straight to chemo. Chemo has turned into a competition for me, not to get done first because that will never happen but to get the best cubbie. It's only chemo 2 and I am on the cubbie war path. Aaahhh Chris found the last one open so we planted ourselves there. Great view of the radiation signs and the north valley, oh and the rock pit. Nurse DeAnn comes over already to start poking, little does she know I have no good veins in either arm, travesty for me. Nurse D decides my hand is the best place and starts her poking, oh the fun of pain, she thinks she got it in and yet there is no blood, what does she do, she leaves it in longer. This is probably what you are supposed to do but for someone who is allergic to IV's it wasn't what I had in mind. Finally the vein colapses and she pulls it out. she goes for the biggest one in my arm nearest the elbow, I thought to myself and out loud "i'm not going to be able to bend my arm much." Deann says sorry but its the best vein so she pokes and has great success on her end. IV successful at 12:30pm.
My white, red and any other counts she checked are great and starts me on nausea meds. I listened to some classical music on the ipod while receiving these meds, Chris leaves on a food and prescription mission. He comes back successful just in time for me to start my saline. RUMBI BBQ Chicken salad for me. So delicious! I washed it down will a 300 calorie boost drink and a gatorade. We get pulled to the docs office for a quick visit to make sure everything is great. Why do they have to interupt a perfectly great chemo lunch salad, geez.
While I am getting my saline I go to the snack area and work on a puzzle. not really a puzzle, only has like 500 pieces but i will knock it out, and i do because i'm bad ass and chris came and helped a little. All this time my saline slightly burns in my veins. I remedy this pain with a rice hot pad that is provided by the nurses, great way to hide the pain.
Beep beep beep goes my IV machine so it's back to the cubbie for my chemo duds. Just like last time, the chemo burns and the nurse has to lower the rate of input. I would rather take longer than feel that pain.
I decided to rest for a little while but I can't. I text and read and stare at the clouds outside wishing I was riding my bike underneath them. Big beautiful clouds with a warm wind, what a workout that would be.
Around 5:49pm nurse deann pulls out my IV and sends us on our way. It's about damn time. We make it home for salad, papa murphys pizza and dessert provided to us by Crystal B, thanks for the good eats crystal! oh and i just finished writing this at 11:17pm and I'm not sick, thank goodness. My game plan is going to work, oh i forgot to tell you about the game plan. So here it is, I'm determined to be the physically fit or more so person i was before this all happened. I am determined to have a great attitude for whatever comes my way. I am determined to be a better wife and mother and friend. I will do all of this with my new strength, courage and determination. I will do my best!

May 16, 2010

Yeah I had big plans for this day but it didn't work out. Chris mow the lawn and got some stuff done in the yard which I usually am in charge of. This would be chris' fourth time mowing the lawn since we have lived in this house since 2004. I take great pride in the yard work. Chris makes the money, I make sure everything at home is spic and span. I slept for a few hours sat outside for a little while, watered the garden and back inside to rest some more. Tomorrow is a big day, radiation and chemo again. I have done it before but I was still very hesitant to go. I thought to myself, "Sara, you don't need to go do this, cancer is just a way for doctors and insurance companies to make money." okay not all true, but i do have cancer and wishing it away is not going to work in my case.

May 15, 2010

I am determined to get up and do some housework. I feel I need to do this, it is what i have been doing my whole life and I like they way I feel accomplishing it. Usually cleaning the master room, bathroom, hall, front room, kitchen and basement takes me about 1 1/2 hours, dusted, straightened, vacuumed and mopped. Today it took me 4 1/2 hours. This is with 3 breaks. I kept going determined to say I was the one who finally cleaned the house and claim my house back. It stayed clean for 45 minutes and then the girls came in from making mud pies, I love my girls. Just to see it clean was awesome. Did I mention for dinner we had chili dogs and tots. probably not the most healthy meal but I have already lost 1 pound I figured it would help get some fat and calories back on. Thanks brother sean for all the delicious food!

May 14, 2010

Arrived to radiation in tears. Most of the water works was from being so tired and having no control over my physical body. My muscles are so tired and achy. Each nurse wants to greet you "how are you sara?" i want to take my fingers and poke out their eyes but I know they mean well so I let the water works continue and ride it out. My pain today was a 4 on a scale of 1-10, 10 being worst pain. My hip is bugging me but the doctor thinks it's the muscles getting back into shape and over compensating for other movements I'm doing, oh yeah and the radiation burning my insides. I sleep the rest of the day.

May 13, 2010

No time for love Dr. jones time for more f(&)ing radiation. So glad it's quick but it is starting to hurt my insides, by this i mean it feels like i have a sunburn on my inside lady bits. I am physically exhausted from chemo now. I am eating toast and applesauce but tonight we have a wonderful meal planned. Dinner from Julie J, pork enchiladas and yes I ate two of them with sour cream. So delicious and i didn't get sick.

May 12, 2010

Today is only radiation but i am drained already. Chris wakes up and gets the girls breakfast and millie off to school. i wake up at 9am and dragged myself to the shower to wash my funk off. I am finally in the car ready for my wonderful husband to drive me to radiation. In and out of radiation like a star. Today I walk over to chit chat with the neighbors, water the garden and wash a load of laundry. Then by 2pm I am beat and take a nap until 7pm. Talk about a time warp. I hope tomorrow will be better.