May 16, 2010

Yeah I had big plans for this day but it didn't work out. Chris mow the lawn and got some stuff done in the yard which I usually am in charge of. This would be chris' fourth time mowing the lawn since we have lived in this house since 2004. I take great pride in the yard work. Chris makes the money, I make sure everything at home is spic and span. I slept for a few hours sat outside for a little while, watered the garden and back inside to rest some more. Tomorrow is a big day, radiation and chemo again. I have done it before but I was still very hesitant to go. I thought to myself, "Sara, you don't need to go do this, cancer is just a way for doctors and insurance companies to make money." okay not all true, but i do have cancer and wishing it away is not going to work in my case.

May 15, 2010

I am determined to get up and do some housework. I feel I need to do this, it is what i have been doing my whole life and I like they way I feel accomplishing it. Usually cleaning the master room, bathroom, hall, front room, kitchen and basement takes me about 1 1/2 hours, dusted, straightened, vacuumed and mopped. Today it took me 4 1/2 hours. This is with 3 breaks. I kept going determined to say I was the one who finally cleaned the house and claim my house back. It stayed clean for 45 minutes and then the girls came in from making mud pies, I love my girls. Just to see it clean was awesome. Did I mention for dinner we had chili dogs and tots. probably not the most healthy meal but I have already lost 1 pound I figured it would help get some fat and calories back on. Thanks brother sean for all the delicious food!

May 14, 2010

Arrived to radiation in tears. Most of the water works was from being so tired and having no control over my physical body. My muscles are so tired and achy. Each nurse wants to greet you "how are you sara?" i want to take my fingers and poke out their eyes but I know they mean well so I let the water works continue and ride it out. My pain today was a 4 on a scale of 1-10, 10 being worst pain. My hip is bugging me but the doctor thinks it's the muscles getting back into shape and over compensating for other movements I'm doing, oh yeah and the radiation burning my insides. I sleep the rest of the day.

May 13, 2010

No time for love Dr. jones time for more f(&)ing radiation. So glad it's quick but it is starting to hurt my insides, by this i mean it feels like i have a sunburn on my inside lady bits. I am physically exhausted from chemo now. I am eating toast and applesauce but tonight we have a wonderful meal planned. Dinner from Julie J, pork enchiladas and yes I ate two of them with sour cream. So delicious and i didn't get sick.

May 12, 2010

Today is only radiation but i am drained already. Chris wakes up and gets the girls breakfast and millie off to school. i wake up at 9am and dragged myself to the shower to wash my funk off. I am finally in the car ready for my wonderful husband to drive me to radiation. In and out of radiation like a star. Today I walk over to chit chat with the neighbors, water the garden and wash a load of laundry. Then by 2pm I am beat and take a nap until 7pm. Talk about a time warp. I hope tomorrow will be better.

May 11, 2010

Start the day at a wonderful performance for my daughter ellie at her school. So awesome to see her sing songs and have fun. she is a true free spirit.
Next off to radiation at 11:30 am and chemo at 1:30 pm. We get to radiation and do my first official radiation, i rocked it. Next off to the hospital cafeteria for a big meal with Chris. I got a huge sandwich with some snacks. I didn't want to go too crazy because i am not sure what chemo will do to my stomach.
1:30 pm came too soon. we went to chemo and checked in. we saw the doctor assistant and nurse. I get my temp, heart rate and weight. looks good, off to chemo. chemo is a big open area with lots of nice leather reclining chairs that make you so comfortable, but my thing is getting a cubbie and cornering it off and having me and chris both have lazy boys to sit it, kind of selfish but seriously there are a ton of chairs, i'll count them next time i'm there, no shortage. we sit in an awesome cubbie and get ready for the nurse, oh yeah, here come the water works from sara. i am terrified of IVs oh and chemo. it's going to happen because this is the treatment I have chosen so i sit there, but i still cry quietly. Chris comforts me and lets me know i am tough and if i'm not tough i am pretty good at faking it so start faking, not really but it sounded good. what would i do without Chris, be severely heartbroken and lost.
Nurse Stephanie comes in and greets us. she is very sweet and kind and is ready to get the ball rolling. first up, she takes my blood and starts the IV, i hate this part but i did it first try. Seriously can't believe it. This IV is started at 1:45pm and Stephanie does not come back until 2pm. Nurse lets me know she is off doing the blood work and making sure all my counts are good. 2pm Stephanie starts my anti nausea meds, i receive two little bags of meds, they take about 30 to 45 minutes. After that comes the saline bag which can take about 1 1/2 hours. During this time I am free to wander the chemo area, work on puzzles, eat, go to the bathroom and bother other patients and nurses. I am not allowed to leave the building, nice try sara. All IV meds sting in my veins so the nurse had to slow the rate down so it takes even longer, oh well, the kids are being taken care of and thats most of my worry. 4:50 pm rolls around and i finally get hooked up to the chemo. Not a good feeling going in my veins, burns and makes me sleepy sort of. I figure we won't get finished until after 6pm so i just sit back and relax. i make several trips to the bathroom. Chris leaves and gets prescriptions filled and I try to rest. I ended up closing the place. my first time and i'm already causing problems. Not really but that too entirely too long.
While leaving chemo I feel heavy and tired. Heavy like i have so much liquid in my body i can't get rid of it and physically tired. Tired of crying, tired of stressing and worrying about what its going to be like, and tired of missing my girls. i just want to get home and eat. But what do i want to eat, toast. lame. I had no appetite when i got home. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. oh did i mention I have 4 different pills to keep my from puking. Crazy how many drugs they can prescribe when i know of one earth ground herb that can cure all of these illnesses. Too bad i am still fighting off a wicked cough. later days.
Still can't believe i have cancer, hard to believe. i remember when I told my friend Tim I had it and I thought, "you're lying Sara, you shut your mouth and tell him that was a lie, but it was the truth," I just couldn't believe it.

May 10, 2010

dry run. today i go to get set up on the Trilogy radiation machine. the daily procedure lasts about 5 minutes. i check in at the front desk, change into a robe if i'm not wearing soft pants, and work on a puzzle. The nurse will eventually come get me, I only end up waiting a few minutes. Chris comes with me to every appointment. i don't know what i would do without him. i guess i would do it myself but having a support system is a great gift for me. having a shoulder to cry on is also real helpful.
i took pictures of the room so people could see what it looks like. i especially like the ceiling art of tree blossoms. gives me something to focus on and relax during the procedure. before laying down i sign in and rate my pain for the day and any other issues. Then I lay on the table in a fake pair of my legs that have been molded to my legs to make sure i have an exact fit every time, doesn't really make sense. I have three tattoos on the parts of my body that are getting radiated. The technicians line up the machine to my exact dimensions and leave the room closing me off to the world with a door that is about 6 inches thick, i think im getting the short end of the stick or whatever. The machine starts on my right hip, one buzz for about 12 seconds, then the machine moves around to my abdomen for 10 seconds, and so on until it ends on the fourth round on my back. The machine resets itself and the hugemongous door opens and the techs come back inside to get me off the slab. thats radiation. welcome to my weekdays at 10 am until june 17.