april 16, 2010

slept better tonight. can't wait to get the IV's out and have no ties to the bed. still on oxygen because i have the pain pump. i am walking around and going to the bathroom almost unassisted. told the doc i don't want to be on the pain pump anymore and to take me off. he waits until friday night to remove it. watching tv a lot more. got in the shower and it was amazing. forgot how good it is to get cleaned up and change clothes. talked with the radiation doc, Dr. Thomson, to find out more about the radiation procedures. He tells us we should meet at his office and have and exam and then figure out how much radiation is needed to shrink the tumors. I feel really confident and ready to get it over with. got a great massage from nurse carol. Couldn't believe it. this nurse warmed up some lotion told me to lean to the side and get ready for a massage. best part of the hospital by far. great lady, she said she was old school.

april 15, 2010

finally got milk and cereal for breakfast. so excited for a change. i started getting up to go to the bathroom less assisted. very frustrating to not be able to get out of bed with no pain and learn how to walk again. laughing, coughing, sneezing and crying in the hospital after abdominal surgery is not a good thing.

April 14, 2010

still only eating clear diet. terribly bland and boring. i felt bloated in my belly. people called and visited but i don't remember what day or what time. i thought i was pushing the pain meds button a lot but the nurse said i didn't push it enough. i hated the drugs and i hated being in bed. i was getting depressed and wanted to start getting more active but with the catheter i really couldn't do much. i did some more breathing and finally wednesday night they took the catheter out. it was such a relief. i was finally able to walk around without a bag strapped to my leg. I couldn't believe how hard it was to walk again. i had a spinal block so my legs were still a little numb but trying to make my feet move was so hard. just getting up to a seated position was an epic journey and i needed a nurse or chris to help every time. with the catheter out i had to get up every 2 or 3 hours and every time i got up it felt harder to do than the last time.

April 13, 2010

We got to the hospital to check in for surgery at 6:22 am. check in didn't take long. the check in room filled up fast. i was surprised how many people were getting surgery just that morning.
got called back and the nurse asked me to go to the restroom for a urine sample then back to the room to get in my gown. found a great show on Budda to watch and waited for nurse debbie. nurse debbie took my blood, put in an IV and gave me a blood thinning shot in the arm. this shot hurts so bad in the arm, make sure you get it in your stomach if you can.
next we wait and then get wheeled up to surgery.
we get up to the surgery floor and the nurse has me put on a hair cover. chris can not go with me any further. i think chris freaked out a little more than i did. nurse pushed me down the surgical hallway to a cubbie for surgery room 5, i think. nurse betty and the pain killer doc came and told me what was going to happen. he knew i was nervous about being put to sleep so he asked if i wanted some "i don't care" medicine. i said yes. i waited for the doc to get to the room and then the pain doc gave me the meds. he said it should work fast. i got wheeled into the OR and was asked by the nurse "okay sara you need to move to the other table." i said okay, and nothing happened. "sara you need to get on the other table." i said okay and nothing happened. then the nurses moved me to the other table and then the pain doc asked me to sit up. i tried to move but i couldn't. i looked around the room and saw all the cool machines and devices they use. then i fell asleep.
"sara, wake up. sara are you okay?" i was rolled into recovery. i didn't remember a thing. that was my worst fear. i asked the nurse if we were alive and they said yes. and i asked if we were in utah and they said yes. i just wanted to get back to chris but i had no idea how to talk. finally they started to wheel me to my room on the 11th floor of the tallest tower. i felt pretty special having such a high up room.
i had a private room with a great view of north slc. great night view. when we got back to the room, the nurses told me how to give myself pain meds and the buttons for the tv and nurse. then i was alone with chris. my sister jen, adriene and my mom came in to visit and my girls came too. i must have looked pretty bad. the doc told chris they didn't do the radical hysterectomy as planned because the tumor is going in a different area, to be specific it was growing on the uterosacral ligaments (or recto-uterine ligament) belongs to the major ligaments of uterus. The rectouterine folds contain a considerable amount of fibrous tissue and non-striped muscular fibers which are attached to the front of the sacrum and constitute the uterosacral ligaments, kind of a big ligament to mess with, so he took out eleven lymph nodes and that was it. i was relieved i didn't have to recover from a hysterectomy after all, but was pissed for having to go through all that to just take out nodes. Basically the doctor told me "I cut you open to take out all your lady bits but they looked really good except for the tumors i didn't want to remove so thanks and i hope you heal fast and pay your bill." Oh yeah he down graded me to stage 2 cervical cancer. He then told me i should see a different specialist and i would need chemotherapy and radiation. WTF? This was not in the deal. i am getting more pissed off but the drugs take over and i relax and tell myself to worry later.
first nights in the hospitals are always the worst. i couldn't sleep with nurses coming in every two hours or sooner to check on me. i had a catheter that was horrible. i missed the girls a lot. don't know what they thought of the whole thing. you can ask them and they will say they are fine or cry a little but you can never know for sure what they think. I started experiencing some breathing problems the first night so i got a breathing treatment and a few more every 4 hours. i couldn't breath after i did the breathing exercises, breathing exercises are taking breaths in and out using a plastic device. I suck on the tube and try to hold my breath then breathe out slowly. the breathing treatments helped my lungs open up and take more oxygen.

April 12, 2010

Day before surgery. Preparing for surgery, only liquids to drink, no food. At noon i drank citrate drink, it's a wicked laxative. Tastes like a diet lemon soda. Spent the rest of the day at home going to the bathroom, eating chicken broth and jello. My little sister Adriene came up to stay the night to watch to watch the girls. I had a crapy night sleep.

April 11, 2010

I started to realize i had so much to get done before i go to surgery. Get the garden planted, clean the house, organize car pool for millie and ellie and exercise as much as i can before the doctor rips me open.
Why am i not researching other ways of getting rid of this cancer? Herbal medicine, acupuncture, potato juice and laying on of hands by a shaman. Why am i relying on modern medicine to cure my cancer? Ahh because it's the easiest and laziest way of doing it and i will be done with it in no time. I was still having doubts of the surgery but I am not a doctor and I have so much to live for and i need to be here for my family, surgery sounds so cut and dried, ha. Guess i am destined for the knife. What a world!

April 1, 2010

We decide to go ahead with the surgery, set for tuesday, April 13. I asked Chris if I should get a second opinion. He said sure and i looked around for a doctor. My friend Colleen had just survived Ovarian cancer so i went and talked to her about her doctors. She told me her docs were great and i should think about seeing them.
I called the doctors my Colleen told me about but they were going on vacation and wouldn't be back for two weeks. Two weeks? i would be done with surgery by then if i just go ahead with it. What to do, do i go on one doctors opinion or do i get a second? If i would have thought about it more i would have gotten a second opinion. I was impatient and wanted to get it over with so i could get on with my life. After all, all i had to do was rest and recover from surgery and then everything would be back to normal...get a second opinion even if they tell you the same thing. Hindsight.

march 29, 2010

Woke up today expecting to have an epiphany. Nothing. Thought i would have something wise to say or feel like an unbeatable machine, not so.
Got Millie off to school and I unpacked all our stuff from the trip. I made a Doctors appointment for 4:00 pm. I had all day to think about what was wrong with me. Four 'o' clock couldn't come fast enough.
Dr. Jolles' offices are downtown. We all went, me, chris, millie and ellie all sitting in the waiting room to find out my fate.
"Dr. Jolles will see you now."
I was sweating. Chris and I went to the exam room and the doc did a pelvic exam. Seriously this exam took two minutes. How can you see cancer in two minutes? Don't you need some fancy machines to look in my body? Obviously not because i could see his face and it wasn't positive.
"Get dressed and meet me in my office." Dr. Jolles said. "What the hell?" you see this stuff on the TV but not in my real life. Meet me in my office, that's where they tell you you're going to die or suffer a long time and then die. It was definitely a long hallway. I didn't want to go in but Chris kept telling me everything is going to be okay. I felt a little better.
Dr. Jolles came in and sat in his big rolly chair. "You have stage 1 cervical cancer. You should have a radical hysterectomy, this requires removing the uterus, cervix, top part of the vagina and lymph nodes. This will be done by making an incision on your abdomen. You will need 6 weeks to recover. There is a great survival rate for this cancer." Surgery? Cutting me open? 6 weeks to recover? Bullshit i said in my head. No one is going to cut me open. I sat there crying and trying to be strong but i couldn't believe i had to have surgery. Chris held my hand and tried to keep me calm. Well i guess if it's necessary i need to do it to get better, hey at least he didn't mention chemotherapy and radiation. I guess i can do this but i'm not going to like it.

March 28, 2010

Monday is coming too fast. To sum up my family vacation, it rocked, mostly. Three days in sunny St. George in March was just what we needed. The constant thought of me having cancer in my body never left my brain. All weekend i thought about it.
While riding across St. George and Hurricane Utah all i did was go over every scenario of what cancer i have and how did it get there and what did i do wrong and how am i going to have a successful spring summer with cancer. What about my kids and my husband? what are they going to to with or without me? My bike ride was the most difficult ride i have ever done. i had to quit 40 miles in. i was physically, mentally and emotionally drained. This ride challenged me so bad it kicked my ass. Side, front and tail winds 15-30 mile per hour. At Sand Hollow Reservoir the sand pounded the left side of my body making the ride not enjoyable. Most of the ride i did solo or with strangers. My friend Tim tried to stay with me but he had to keep his pace. Go on without me, i will be fine. I quit in Hurricane. i called Chris to come pick me up. i waited at the Wendy's on the corner. Sitting at the table in the restaurant i thought about what i had just decided, to quit. i thought i should just get back on my bike and keep riding, but it was so easy to give up. Is this what you're going to do in your fight against cancer Sara? Give up and call for an easy ride? i made my decision and i had to live with it.
The rest of the trip was awesome. Spending time with the family. We went out to eat, went swimming, and on the way home we visited a ghost town and Zion's for a hike. I am so grateful for this trip. Now i just had to make it through this cancer thing and we can go on another vacation.

march 25, 2010

As i was getting ready for my family vacation to St. George, and my first big bike ride of the year, i got a phone call from Dr. Jolles nurse. "hello is this sara anderson?" i said yes and she started to tell me that Dr. Jolles would like to see me in the morning to talk about the cancer cells. Seriously WTF? "Are you sure you have the right sara anderson, what's my birthday?" i thought i would quiz her to make sure she had the right person. "I don't have your birthday but Dr. Smith sent us your information and wants us to see you concerning your biopsy." I freaked out and started to cry. i told her i have know idea what you are talking about and i am about to go on vacation and you can call me back on monday. Minutes later my doctor calls me and says she is sorry for the mix up but my biopsy shows i have cancer cells and i need to see a specialist. i told her the specialist already called and i was pissed off. she appoligized for the mix up phone calls from doctors and that was that. THANKS FOR RUINING MY FREAKING WEEKEND, ever heard of giving bad news on monday?

March 18, 2010

I get to the doctors office to discuss the ultrasound. No bueno. the ultrasound found a polyp. The doctor said it would be wise to get a biopsy of the polyp to rule out any cancerous growth. She let me know that only 11-17% of these polyps are cancerous so i have real good odds. right. the biopsy procedure was horrible and I can still remember the scraping and prodding, i would have rather been in labor. she told me she would have the results in 8 to 10 days. She told me not to worry. i really did worry, when you tell me not to worry i worry.

march 15, 2010

So i decided to go see a doctor to figure out why i was having such bad periods. I haven't been to the lady doctor since 2006 so i thought I'd better get in and get a check up. Why did i wait four years?? I hate the doctor, which is probably why i'm in this prediciment in the first place.
at the appointment the doc decides i should get an ultrasound to check for fibroids or polyps in my uterus. I had to wait three days for the results.