march 29, 2010

Woke up today expecting to have an epiphany. Nothing. Thought i would have something wise to say or feel like an unbeatable machine, not so.
Got Millie off to school and I unpacked all our stuff from the trip. I made a Doctors appointment for 4:00 pm. I had all day to think about what was wrong with me. Four 'o' clock couldn't come fast enough.
Dr. Jolles' offices are downtown. We all went, me, chris, millie and ellie all sitting in the waiting room to find out my fate.
"Dr. Jolles will see you now."
I was sweating. Chris and I went to the exam room and the doc did a pelvic exam. Seriously this exam took two minutes. How can you see cancer in two minutes? Don't you need some fancy machines to look in my body? Obviously not because i could see his face and it wasn't positive.
"Get dressed and meet me in my office." Dr. Jolles said. "What the hell?" you see this stuff on the TV but not in my real life. Meet me in my office, that's where they tell you you're going to die or suffer a long time and then die. It was definitely a long hallway. I didn't want to go in but Chris kept telling me everything is going to be okay. I felt a little better.
Dr. Jolles came in and sat in his big rolly chair. "You have stage 1 cervical cancer. You should have a radical hysterectomy, this requires removing the uterus, cervix, top part of the vagina and lymph nodes. This will be done by making an incision on your abdomen. You will need 6 weeks to recover. There is a great survival rate for this cancer." Surgery? Cutting me open? 6 weeks to recover? Bullshit i said in my head. No one is going to cut me open. I sat there crying and trying to be strong but i couldn't believe i had to have surgery. Chris held my hand and tried to keep me calm. Well i guess if it's necessary i need to do it to get better, hey at least he didn't mention chemotherapy and radiation. I guess i can do this but i'm not going to like it.