June 26, 2010

Chris and I arrive at the hospital around 11am. We ring the bell at the front desk, because it is saturday and there is no receptionist. Nurse Lisa opens the door and leads us to room 3. In the room there are three reclining chairs and a hospital bed. "Where do you want to sit?" nurse Lisa asks me. I chose the first recliner chair and get comfy. The hospital bed is looking real good but i stay in the chair. Lisa gets me set up and goes over the ins and outs of blood transfusions. I then sign a consent form and she hooks me up to a saline bag for an appetizer. I tell her i wish i had a jolly rancher because of the taste in my mouth and she and another nurse that walked right in hand me dishes of jolly ranchers. What the heck, this is service. Come to find out these two nurses are just the helpers for the real nurse. I have three ladies helping me today. Nurse Sue comes in and tells me she will be my nurse for the day and if i need anything let anyone of the ladies know. She gives me tylenol and benadryl in case of allergic reaction or fever. She tells me (and Chris) in the hallway there is a soda machine, juice in the fridge and snacks in the drawers. There are electronic games to play, my own TV and curtains in case i want some more privacy. This is luxury compared to the chemo floor. Just as i was getting more comfortable Nurse Ricki brings Chris and me a sack lunch. We are definitely getting spoiled. I don't think i would want this every day. I think if I did I would become ungrateful and lazy. I am glad I only had it for one day but wouldn't trade my chemo floor.
My blood arrives and Sue gets it hooked up. I ask Chris to tell me when it is going into my body, the thought of looking at the IV makes me nauseous. He tells me the blood is going in my body and I relax, doesn't feel much different. I become very sleepy, i think it is the tylenol. After about two hours, I have Chris help me get to the bathroom and then when we get back to the room I lay down in the hospital bed. I am very sleepy now and am getting cold. Nurse Sue brings me another blanket and I lay back and relax. Chris plays his game and goes to get coffee while i rest. After the first bag, i started to get hungry. I already ate my sack lunch so I have Chris go get me some soup. I eventually look at the IV and notice the blood looks like V8. Gross. Can't believe this is going to make me feel better. I am so sleepy from the tylenol i don't notice a huge difference with the transfusion. Finally the second bag is finished and Sue gets me ready to go. I feel a little better but still tired from the tylenol. Maybe tomorrow there will be a difference. Dinner was yummy. Chicken!

June 25, 2010

Since February 2010, June 25 was supposed to be the day I wake up, get my bike gear together, kiss my family good-bye and drive with my girlfriends to Logan to participate in the Harmons MS Ride. I had to change my plans because of my cancer treatments. For a while, i thought my treatments would be over and I would be well enough to go ride. Unfortunately my tumor was a little bigger and needed extra treatments. I raised $250 for Multiple Sclerosis Research in Utah. I appreciate all the people that donated to the ride this year. Tim, Mindy, Julie and her co-workers, Jennifer, Rick, Sue Ann, Sarah and the Crescent 23rd RS. Thanks so much for supporting me and Multiple Sclerosis Research here in Utah. Next year I plan to ride!
This morning we arrived at the LDS hospital on time, what a surprise. We waited until about 6:10am and got called back. There was nurse Bobbi ready to try her hand at my port. Bobbi asked me very politely, "Do you mind me trying to access your port or would you like me to call the other nurse?" I told Bobbi i would feel more comfortable with the other hack nurse accessing it, and Bobbi was very understanding. She let me know it would be another hour until the nurse would be here. Great. The other nurse came and got me all set up, come to find out she is the floor nurse coordinator. Can't remember her name.
Off to the surgery room. I saw my doctor and we chit chatted as I rolled into the OR. A nurse asked me my name and birthdate, as usual, and i responded. Then she asked me what procedure I was expecting to receive today. I said, "a breast augmentation and a nose job." She looked at me with her over made-up eyes and paused. I started to laugh and said "fletcher implants," and she realized i was joking. I actually was very relaxed, I wasn't even medicated at this time, just relaxed because i had been through this twice before and knew the outcome. Then another nurse started taking off my pants, I don't remember this part. I let the nurse know I don't remember this part and she cleverly told me it's because the doctor hasn't given you pain meds. No kidding. "Pain doc, I'm still awake, can you do something about that?" Dr. Richards, pain doc, told me he would get right on it and soon i was going to that happy place i go to every friday morning, to deep medicated sleep.
Recovery room. Oh my aching urethra. The catheter is not my friend this morning. I opened my eyes to find i had a lovely window seat and i was out of the OR by 8:30am, fastest time yet. I raised my hand to get the nurses attention. I asked her how long i would need to stay and she said until 9am. I started chit chatting with her and around 8:50am she said they should take me down because i was so awake. I think i was bugging her with all my questions and smart ass comments. I got wheeled down to radiation by Lindsey Lloyd, USA Olympic alternate for the womens boarder cross team, woohoo! I didn't know snowboarders had real jobs? Just kidding.
At radiation i was wheeled right into the CT scan room. I met a new nurse on the floor, January. Sweet, one more person to see my lady business. They move me to the machine and i relax as much as i can, oh yeah, nurse marilynn fixes my catheter, now it hurts a little less. CT scan complete. Now where is Chris. They wheeled me to the hall and Chris came to me from the waiting area. Chris has his ipod game to play while i lay there resting. About an 45 minutes go by and the doctor and all the nurses come over and wheel me into the radiation room. It seems that each week more and more people are joining me for the festivities. This time there is a chemist that is assisting. I didn't get his info because by this time i am ready to get this over with. Oh yeah and January the new nurse is there, this is her first experience with internal radiation. I watched her eyes as they hooked me up to the machine. She was not expecting that when the doctor lifted up the blanket and hooked me up. Wish i would have had my camera. Todays procedure will last 10 minutes.
Dr. Sause comes in with his entourage and unhooks me. "Sara are you ready, faster is quicker, you'll be done in no time." I say okay and he starts to remove the packing. Oh how I dislike this part. Nurse Januarys face is still taken back by the amount of packing that is being pulled from my who-ha. "Almost finished Sara, I'm going to remove the ovoids. Just relax." Sure, I'll relax as soon as that stuff is out. Finally it's over and i relax. Nurse Marilyn comes over to let me know they want me to get a blood transfusion because my counts are very low and it would be to my advantage to get blood. I am freaked out at the thought of getting blood but i know it's going to help. I slowly get up and get wheeled over to the changing rooms. Chris talks to me about the blood transfusion. He tells me we have to go to the IMC hospital right now and get typed for the blood. WHAT! I don't want to go from one hospital to the next. I know it has to be done so i deal with it.
We get to IMC hospital at 11:30am. Check in and go to the lab. The lab assistants are not qualified to access my port so I either have to get an IV in my arm or go to a different lab where a qualified nurse can draw my blood. I tell the nurse if she can find a vein then whatever, then i start crying like a baby. I don't want an IV that's why I have a port. The nurse tells me it's no problem to go to the other lab and she understands why I'm upset. Chris wasn't there for the water works and comes into the lab room to see me crying. I tell him we have to go to another building because they can't access my port and off we go.
We are sent to the Cancer Center were we spend most of our time with radiation and chemo, but this time we go to the 3rd floor. This is the transfusion floor and they also do chemo treatments here. Come to find out this floor is specifically for people with a lot of money that want a private room to receive their cancer treatments. So this is where the rich come to get treatments, not downstairs with the commoners. We get checked in and wait to get called back. The reason for this blood draw is to get the type of blood i need. They actually type it more specifically so that i won't have any allergic reactions.
We finally leave the hospital around 1:30pm. Can't wait to get home to lay down. I'm really not as tired as i normally am. My abdomen is tight and i feel a little tired but i have a hard time falling asleep. My sweet girls are at my dads so the house is very quiet. Chris has to go to work so I am left to rest by myself. This time tomorrow I will have a wonderful giving strangers blood in my body. Wonder who's blood I'm getting? Thank you blood givers of the world, you are amazing people! Oh yeah thanks to Michelle who brought us dinner, it was delicious!

June 21, 2010

NO MORE CHEMO! I can't believe it! Dr. Nibley told me since i am having such a high dose of radiation i no longer need chemotherapy. I think i cried for and hour. Tears of joy. Now all I have to do is make it through the three more internal radiations.

Today we went to Dr. Jolles to talk about my never ending period. He told me i should start an estrogen therapy, not a progesterone, to help the bleeding stop. Did you know taking too much estrogen can cause uterine cancer? Wow, what in this world won't cause cancer? Kind of makes me want to move to a farm and live off the fat of the land, the land that doesn't have cancer. If anyone knows where this cancer less land is, please let me know.
I still am tired and rundown but i am in better spirits. I can see the end of all this treatment. My port is uncomfortable, i can't get used to a foreign object in my body, which is funny because i have always wanted fake boobs, guess I'm not a good candidate for fake stuff in my body. Anyway, I don't know how I'm going to get used to working out with a port, this port maybe short lived. I guess I need to give it more time and let it "grow" on me. Gross.
Thanks for reading my ramblings and I hope you will stick with me to the end. It's not too much longer. We hope to have a big celebration party when there is"no evidence of the disease". I can't wait! Thanks to Esther for our yummy dinner tonight! Oh and I can't eat salads for the next two months, too much roughage. Love you all!

June 18, 2010

We arrived at LDS hospital around 5:40am. We sat in the waiting room for about 15 minutes and then got called back. I was more relaxed this morning just because i had an idea of what was going to happen, but not completely relaxed because i knew what was going to happen, sixes. We got into our room, no bed just a reclining chair, like the ones in the labor and delivery rooms, the chairs that are so uncomfortable, but add a pillow and a warm blanket and it was much better. Nurse Bobbi came in to start my IV and I told her i had a port. She says, "I am not sure how to do one of those, i better go get another nurse, then I can watch her and know for next time, okay?" Not okay. Bobbi then went on to assure me that she would practice on some oranges for next week when I come back. I am not okay with this and as i write this am dreading next Friday when I tell her I'm not comfortable with her poking me, chill out Sara.
I get wheeled over to the surgical room. This week they still have the paperwork wrong. Wrong doctor performing the procedure. Not cool. I of course freak out a little and then my doctor walks over to me and says hello. I am relieved he is there. I don't know if LDS makes a lot of mistakes like this but it is starting to get on my nerves.
The pain doc comes over and introduces herself, we chit chat and then she wheels me into the OR. I looked around the OR and listened to the nurses talking. They were saying that one nurse was going to train the other nurse, WHAT? I don't want people learning on me, especially during this procedure. One nurse starts putting me in the cross pose, seat belting me in, arms and all. Then i am asleep.
"Sara wake up." I'm in recovery. I notice there is no pain in my butt, thank goodness, but there is more pain in my urethra. What the hell did they do to me now? I raised my hand to get the nurses attention. I told her I had some pain and she asked if i wanted drugs, i said yes. I noticed the clock was almost 9am. Cool I am 15 minutes faster than last time. Now just to relax and enjoy the drugs and not think about anything until i can see Chris again.
My 15 minutes pass (ha), and i am wheeled out of recovery and down to radiation, floor 1. Marilyn and Shanna are there again, thank goodness familiar faces. And Chris, he is smiling and doesn't look too bored this time around. I get wheeled into the CT scan. Every week they need to do this to get a pic of the tumor and where they need to aim the radiation and how much and all that technical stuff. It only takes a few minutes and I am wheeled back into the hallway with Chris. Chris tells me a friend of ours, Jenna, was in the waiting room with him. Her aunt Viv has cancer and was getting a treatment. Crazy how cancer reunites people. No just reunites, even new friendships. We can talk to someone that has cancer and have this bond that you don't get with everyone else. We know what they are going through and can relate so much that we are instantly bonded. Anyway, I lay there in the hallway with Chris sitting my my side. We chit chat a little but i am so drugged up I just lay there. My friend Jenna comes over and lets me know everything is going to be great and gives me love. Time passes and the doc and nurses come out to wheel me in. I ask if Chris can go in the room to see what it looks like. First thing when I get wheeled in the room is the smell, it smells like burning, as Ralph would say. Chris kisses me goodbye for now and the doc, Dr. Sause, hooks me up to the machine. This time i need to "radiate" for 12 minutes. Oh joy 4 minutes longer, lets fry this sucker. While i lay in the room I think of all the things I'm going to do when this is over with. Everything will be different but better in every way.
Time passes and the door opens, everyone files back in the room. Dr. Sause tells me he likes to pull everything out quick so that it is over quick and i can recover quick. Sounds logical but i am hesitating a little. Nurse Marilyn tells me she had the pain doc give me extra drugs just for this part and i just relax and it really won't hurt that bad. I wish i would have known that in recovery because i wouldn't have asked for extra pain killers then, oh well, again. Surprisingly enough i felt little to no pain. Don't get me wrong, i could feel it but i really didn't care.
(I forgot to mention that my blood work came back showing i have anemia and i am losing too much blood. No duh, i have had the same period for the last four weeks. My body doesn't understand it needs to go into menopause so the doc wants me to start progesterone, oh joy.)
After the treatment, Marilyn got me sitting up and i tried to stand up to walk to get dressed but i couldn't. Probably the extra drugs and the anemia mixture thats making me so dizzy. She had to get a wheelchair. She wheeled me out the Chris and we went to the changing area. I sat on the toilet and went to the bathroom, oh the burning. Not the usual burning from the catheter, come to find out, the "training nurse" from the OR forgot to lube up the catheter before inserting it into my urethra, thanks LDS for providing the best care ever! Sorry so negative but when you are in the hospital this much i think i can complain a little. I got dressed and Chris wheeled me upstairs to the loading dock. It was so hot outside i thought i might melt. I was still feeling the pain meds and was completely exhausted from the lack of iron.
We get home and Auntie Jen has decided to clean all the windows. I am happy she is doing this. Sitting on the couch and looking through the dirty windows for the past 3 months was driving me crazy. Now to get the windows closed and turn on the AC because i am sweating and ready for nap time. I sleep for a while and then eat, then back to sleep again.
Saturday and Sunday i stay in bed sleeping or laying down because i have little to no energy.
Monday, i woke up at 8:30am and got breakfast and made myself go outside to do some much needed watering and weeding. Oh how good it feels to be outside. I stay in the shade for most of the morning. I love working in the garden, can't wait for the tomatoes to start coming on.
Much thanks to Michelle and Jill for mowing the lawn on Saturday.

June 17, 2010

So excited for today. Last day of external radiation! Woohoo! When we walked into radiation first thing they said was "last one!" I almost started with the water works but held back. We checked in and went to the waiting area. I sat down for just a second and therapist Carol Ann came out to get me. I wasn't ready. I wanted to get my ipod so I had some good music for my last day. Chris brought the girls back and they watched as the therapists got me on the table and ready for radiation. Ellie had not been in the radiation room before so she was watching everything and touching everything. Everyone left the room and it was just me in there. With Cocoa Teas Holy Mount Zion blasting I laid there with happy tears coming out of my eyes. Last buzz of the radiation machine and I could hear the door open and everyone came in the room. The therapist let Millie lower me down with the controller. She was very excited. We walked down the hall to the "celebrate" bell. We got a picture by the bell, and a really bad picture of me ringing the bell. Okay now the waterworks start. Sunglasses on. When I rang the bell, I can hear people in the office clapping for me, for my completion of this crazy radiation therapy I have endured. I receive certificate and lots of smiles and cheers. I am going to miss everyone at radiation, 26 days. I am definitely going to miss all the therapists, they were all very kind and understanding. Thanks to you all!
Tomorrow is another internal radiation. My sister Jennifer is coming up to stay over to watch the girls while we go to the hospital. We all went to Training Table for a celebration burger and fries. Can't wait to get tomorrow over with.

June 16, 2010

What a day! We got on the road at 7:40am to get to the hospital by 8am. Today i am having what i call "warranty work" on my port. The catheter was too long for my overly sensitive heart and causing my heart to flutter, make me dizzy and almost pass out. Not good, so a quick fix appointment. I received some IV antibiotics in case of infection, then down to the surgical room. The PA gave me 2 shots of lidocaine and he was off and cutting. He re-opened the port cut and removed the catheter from the port. Then he shortened the catheter by about 1/2 inch. I could breath better. What a difference it made. He stitched me back up and glued it shut. And we were done. The whole thing took about 40 minutes. Not bad but i was late for radiation. I had to recover for 20 minutes so i got out of there by 11am.
Chris and the girls waited out in the waiting room because i was on the Angio/ICU floor and it has a strict no children policy. Off to radiation.
We got into radiation quickly and home by 11:40am or so. The girls had a play date with Angi and her girls. They headed off to Classic for some water fun and bouncing, while I got a great nap.
Thanks to dinner by Sarah, all the snacks are going to come in handy. Running low on those! Thanks to all my family and friends that are still helping out and are willing to do just about anything to help us out. We so appreciate it! Much love to you all!

June 15, 2010

Radiation this morning. We arrive a little late but that's classic Anderson style. I work on the puzzle with chris and the girls do some coloring. We wait for a little while and then i get called back. New girl. New therapist is Ginger and she is filling in for Ronnie. Okay. Radiation goes fast with Collette's lovely ipod mix of slow song and more slow song.
As i walk down the hall to exit radiation I see the "Celebrate" bell. I'm going to ring the crap out of that bell on thursday, i say to myself, i thought i said it out loud but i was just me saying so loud in my head. Two more days everyone for external radiation to be over.
Thanks to Christina for bringing over a great dinner and plenty of delicious dessert! Thanks!

June 14, 2010

Every experience you go through helps define your character. Greatness comes from the refining process. (ST)

Monday. This is the last crazy week for me. Monday is external radiation and chemo, tues-thurs is external radiation and friday is internal radiation. I will be so relieved when this week is over.
This morning started around 8am. We got breakfast and got to the hospital by 9am. We had to get there early because i am having some problems with my port. The catheter that feeds into my heart is a little too long and it causes my heart to flutter and then i get dizzy and feel like I'm going to pass out. Not a good sign. We got to the Angio Floor and I had to register to get seen. Chris, Millie and Elliot waited in the waiting room.
The PA came and let me know that he would be able to fix the fluttering by re-entering the port incision and tip the port slightly and remove the catheter and trim it from the port side verses making another incision near the heart. He plans to cut off about 1/2 and inch or less, depending on what he thinks is best. I will only require some lidocaine for pain and probably won't even have and IV. This is when you think I'm a bad ass for not needing IV drugs, really it's not that bad as long as i don't see the cutting I'm fine. The whole procedure should take less than 1/2 hour. Should be a quick in and out. I set up the appointment for wed for 8am and head off to radiation.
I am late for radiation, i arrive about 10:40am. I check in and wait for an opening. The girls work on some coloring and chris works on a nap and i work on not worrying about chemo. Collette, the therapist, comes to take me back. I forgot to get my ipod set up so i get to listen to her zany music. It's not bad music but it's nothing i would put on my ipod. 10,000 maniacs, phil collins and many other slow songs that are slightly depression but seem uplifting if that makes any sense.
I get on the table and I have to have x-rays. Yipee! X-rays only take about 2 minutes longer so it's not bad. All i can think is three more days of this and I am out of here! I will have completed 26 external radiation treatments. I can't wait to ring the bell!
My radiation doc, Dr. Thomson, wants to see me for a quick meeting. We talk about how my period i have been having for the last three weeks doesn't want to end, probably because my body doesn't want to go into menopause, which i will be experiencing no matter what because of all the treatments. I just can't wait for hormone replacement, hopefully a natural medication is possible, let's hope so. Anyway, my period will eventually stop it's just having a major encore. It should receive a Tony award or something. The doctor told me that the original size of my tumor before treatment was 6 centimeters diameter. I had no idea i was lugging around something that size. I forgot to ask what the current size is but i know it's a lot smaller. I will find out and post the new and improved size. Dr. Thomson said the procedure went well and he is very confident i will be finished with treatments but early or mid July. Such good news to hear. I have a lot of confidence in this doctor, he is very intelligent, thorough and doesn't push his treatments on me. He gives options and i would recommend him to anyone.
Off the chemo. I get temp, blood pressure, oxygen and weight checked then turned over to chemo. We get a good cubbie, not our favorite but the patients there look like Ellie and Millie would give them a heart attack. When i see nurse DeAnn coming over to me carrying hot pads, used to get my veins popping, i flash her my port and she smiles real big and tells me congratulations. The other nurses over the cubbies over here and come over to say congrats, we are so happy. They are probably more happy so they don't have to see my cry every time they poke me and can't get a vein, but i can see they are genuinely happy for me. i feel good. Nurse DeAnn gets me cleaned up and asks if i have deadening cream on, i told her i don't need that stuff just poke me because I'm a champ now with a port. Easy sleazy. She draws blood, okay counts. She starts me with nausea and we get the ball rolling. Chris and the girls wander around for a bit and then decide to go to get lunch and do a few fun errands. I was plugged in at 12pm and finished by 3:30pm that is 2 hours faster than usual. Getting the chemo faster made me real tired and I didn't even get up to put together the puzzle. I only got up to go to the restroom a few times. I am so glad i got a port, i have no pain in my arms, and two more hours to spend with my family out of the hospital, so grateful for technology. Got home and went right to bed. Ate dinner around 6pm and sat outside with the family, watched the girls ride bikes and collect bugs. What a great night, so grateful for my family, friends and all the support we are getting. It is such a blessing, Can't wait to be back in business. Love to you all for all your help and prayers!!! Thanks Suzy and Danna for the delicious chili and cake!

June 11, 2010

Big day. Internal radiation, also known as a Fletcher Implant, was a long four hour prep for a 9 minute procedure. Here's how the day went.
We arrived to the hospital at 5:30am and checked in. The waiting room was busy, we chose to sit in the hall because someone had bathed himself in cologne and I thought i might vomit.
We have this check in thing down to a science. First smiles to the nurses get you everywhere. Second, have copies of all forms you may need to fill out, most hospitals have the same forms, just make several copies and all you have to do is change the dates, and last having a partner like I have, my sweet Chris, will get you through anything.
Nurse calls us back and takes my temp, pressure and weight. We get in a room around 6:07am. Nurse says "get into the gown, fresh sample and open the door when you are ready." My pleasure. I also inform the nurse I have a port and she lets me know she needs to get a special nurse for that. Yeah, special nurse time. The rooms are older than the spanking new IMC hospital. It is clean, that's something. We sit there for a while, then the nurse trained for ports comes in to get my IV in. When you are the owner of a port the nurses are supposed to wear a surgical mask, gloves and use a lot of alcohol to clean the port area. Nurse did all of this and was getting ready to insert the IV, out of the corner of my eye i noticed the top of the IV was not yellow, like in the pamphlets. This is not right. The nurse wiggled the needle around and after a few seconds decides to go get an oncology nurse that works with "these ports" all the time. Okay. Meanwhile, i have this IV lead protruding from my port. I did not look at it because i would surely faint. Oncology nurse came in and noticed it was not the right IV lead and got the yellow one. Problem fixed. I did get poked twice by an IV but i really didn't feel it. Love my new port!!!
The nurse asked if i had any questions about the procedure and that i needed to sign a consent form. "I do have a problem, i would like to speak with the doctor." she asked me why and i said i have never met the man and i would like to know who is going to be doing this procedure. She said i will met him just before going into surgery.
7:30 am and i am wheeled to surgery. Come to find out my doctor was doing the procedure the whole time, the hospital messed up the names. Thank goodness, i was very relieved to find this out. I spoke with my doc with last minute questions. I then met the pain doc. He told me he was going to put me out. In the surgical room i transfer to a crazy bed that has a hole near my butt. Weird table but i figured it was so the doctor would have better access to my lady bits. Pain doc must have given me the drugs because i got real heavy and closed my eyes.
I woke up in recovery, it was 9am. First thoughts on waking up, don't be grossed out, felt like i had bad diarrhea because my butt hurt and it felt like i had a pee catheter. Oh i did have a catheter, wasn't expecting that. Now what is causing that butt pain? "Nurse, did i crap myself in the surgery?" i asked. She said i'm not sure but im sure I'll be just fine and would i like something for pain. A yeah i would!! I could hear the other recoverers around me, a lady had just had a D&C, ouch. There was an old man next to me snoring loudly. Seriously, with an oxygen mask on snoring, weird. The nurse woke him up finally. Still don't know why i have butt pain but the pain drugs are helping a little so i try to forget about it.
9:20am get wheeled down to radiology. Chris! i see Chris finally for a few seconds and then he disappears. I got wheeled into a room with a CT scan machine. "We are going to transfer you to the scan machine Sara and you just relax." My vagina feels full of "stuff" but i can't figure out what stuff is in there. I don't ask for fear of freaking out. I laid still on the table while they took several scans of my body. I dont know how much time passes but it seems like forever. The doctor comes in and says "Im going to try to adjust your ovoids and there is some gauze in your rectum im going to take out." AHH! Gauze shoved in my butt, what a great place to put that. Come to find out the gauze was put in my rectum for placement so they didn't damage my rectum. (the gauze in the butt was the second worst part of the procedure) What are ovoids? They are the devices they put in me in surgery. The ovoids and a tandem will plug into the radiation table and that is how they get the direct radiation into the uterus and vagina. I have no idea what these things look like but she adjusts them and it is a little uncomfortable but manageable. More scans. After all the scanning, the doctor tells me they need to go map the information and make a plan and that should take about an hour. They transfer me back to my gurney and i get wheeled to the hall where my prince awaits.
Chris is thoroughly bored. He wasn't sure how long things were going to take so he was just hanging out in the waiting room working on a puzzle. I felt bad for him having to wait. And now more waiting.
We waited in the hallway for a long time. Chris and I talked about what happened and what is going to happen. We talked about food and what the girls are doing. Chris looked so tired, i wanted him to lay down or something but he kept telling me he was just fine.
11:20am. The doctors are finished making all the calculations and planning and are ready to treat me. They wheel me down the hallway to the radiation room. It is a big room, divided with a curtain. They don't have to transfer me, my bed rolls right up to the radiation machine that is at the end of the bed. The doctor and nurse come in and get me hooked up the the machine. There is some tugging in my vagina as they hook up the leads. It isn't painful but not comfortable. I am hooked up, the nurse waves a wand over me to check me for radioactivity, just to be safe, then they all leave the room. The procedure will only take 9 minutes. All this work for 9 minutes. Crazy. While i lay there i hear some clicking and humming. Inside i can feel warmth and vibration from the clicking but it's nothing real noticeable.
I'm finished. They come in to take out the ovoids and tandem. "Okay Sara this is going to be uncomfortable, we have to take out the packing and the devices, take some deep breaths." WTH? And it begins. If you have ever heard of anal beads or something to that effect, thats what i would relate it to, but it was a dry pulling. What were they pulling out. Then i saw it was gauze. They had packed a crap load of gauze in there to keep the ovoids in place. It really was uncomfortable. It seriously took about 45 seconds to pull everything out. This was the worst part of the whole procedure. After that they had me relax and catch my breath and get ready to stand up. Just like that, laying in bed for how ever many hours just stand up. It took a little while but i got up and walked to the dressing area with Chris. I told Chris he will never believe was was jammed up in my lady area. He was very surprised when i showed him the picture.
I will be doing this procedure four more times depending on how my tumors respond to the treatment. On saturday and sunday i have spotting and a little cramping. i am also groggy and have diarrhea. Not sure if this is from the pain medication or because i missed my chemo meds. Probably a little of both.
Thanks to Rita and Sean for the yummy sloppy joes on friday!

june 10, 2010

Ellies last day of preschool. She is super excited, she gets to dress up. While Ellie is at school, we make our way to radiation. I am super nausea and tired and sore. Crazy sore from the port procedure. I had an ice pack on it all night. Walked into radiation and ended up needing a wheelchair because I'm so dizzy and weak. Radiation goes by quick and we are back home.
Ellie gets home and is so excited to show me what she did at school. They played games and got prizes. She was so happy.
I spend the rest of the day resting or trying to rest. Still sore but i think i made the right decision to get a port. I still have 4 more chemos and 5 internal radiations not to forget about any CT scans the doctor might include in the remainder of my treatment.
I am dreading tomorrow. I want to be positive. Tomorrow is the internal radiation. (Description) This type of radiation therapy is also called brachytherapy. Brachytherapy uses an implant (a seed, catheter or rod) that is sealed with a radioactive substance. The implant is placed into the uterus through the vagina and treatment is delivered. Brachytherapy is done on an inpatient basis, and the patient is allowed to leave following treatment.

June 9, 2010

Port surgery. Crystal B. was kind enough to watch the girls for us so we could go the the hospital with no kids. The whole procedure should take 4 to 5 hours.
We arrive at the IMC hospital and check in around 8:30am. Second floor is the prep area for the procedure. This procedure i am getting is called a port. A port will allow nurses to give me IV drugs through a device that is implanted in my chest. I will no longer have track marks up and down my arms. Very excited!
Nurse Janet prepares to get me my IV. Two pokes and still is unable to get an IV in. I told her maybe a hot pack would work and so we tried it. Success!
While nurse Janet got my vitals and hooked me up to the saline and antibiotics, a physicians assistant told me everything about the port. He showed me what the port looked like and how it works once implanted. During this whole conversation I only listened to a few key points, where the port would go, how long it takes to install and when are the pain meds. Listening to his lecture was making me very lightheaded and causing more anxiety.
After the extensive rundown of the port, i was wheeled down to the surgical floor. Very chilly down there, kind of like a morgue. I was wheeled into surgical room 8. Awesome room, there were so many fancy machines, i was trying to take mental pictures of everything, that room must have cost a lot of money. There was a surgical crew of 6. I was moved to a very narrow table and then "seat belted" in for my safety. The nurse let me know other patients have rolled over during procedures hence the seat beat precaution.
I meet the Physicians assistant that is going to perform the procedure. Her name is Meredith and she is very young. She informs me of what she is going to do during the procedure and asks me if i have any questions. I told her lets get this party started.
The surgical techs started to get me prepped. I am laying on the table and the techs start draping blue cloth all around my face and over my gown. Nurse Justin makes a little fort for my face. Meredith comes in and is ready to start the procedure. Everyone is wearing a lead apron to protect from the radiation rays (x-ray table i think). I didnt know what the aprons were for at first, and asked, "why is nurse Shelley wearing a bulletproof vest?" They laughed.
First the lidocaine is shot into three places on my chest. The IV pain drugs are working, but they kept telling me i would fall asleep or forget everything, i was awake for the whole procedure.
First i could feel the sting from the lidocaine shots, then there was just pressure. I think she got the catheter threaded through and then put the port into place. She pushed plenty hard to get the port into a good spot. i could feel the pressure. At one point i felt pitching so she gave me one more lidocaine shot. Ouch.
The whole procedure took about 45 minutes. Couldn't believe i stayed awake for the whole thing.
After the procedure i got wheeled back to my room to recover. Chris was waiting for me. So grateful for Chris, he is always there for me. Love him so much! Nurse Janet brings me a sack lunch and some drinks. I am starving. After about 45 minutes we are released, after having care instructions and numbers to call incase of questions or problems.
I am definitely sore. Not too sore yet but i can tell it's going to be a crappy night trying to sleep.

June 8, 2010

Todays radiation was uneventful. In and out. Today my main concern was finding out more about a port line, so I don't have to have IV's poked in my arms anymore. We went upstairs to chemo and asked a nurse about the port line. She had me talk to a gentleman patient that had one (he was getting his chemo at the time). He said it was easy enough to get and doesn't hurt when he gets his chemo or when he gets blood taken. I really like that response.
Chris and I went over to set up the surgical procedure. We were hoping for tomorrow because my internal radiation is on Friday and I wanted the port for that very reason. Bingo, we got in for Wednesday at 8:30am. Come to find out the port procedure costs $5000 but since we are so over our insurance deductible it would be 100% covered. Sweet. Looks like I am going to be the proud owner of a port by tomorrow afternoon. Kind of scared, kind of excited. Let you know how the procedure goes.

June 7, 2010

Got up early to get to radiation early. Chemotherapy appointment is at 10am so we had to get radiation done toot sweet. At chemo we met with the doctor assistant Anne. She checked me out and sent me to get ready for chemo. In my head all i can think is "please let my counts be low so i don't have to do chemo." Didn't work. My counts actually went up. I guess my body is more determined than I am at times.
Our usual cubbie was occupied so we had to double with another patient. Sweet lady and her family, husband, son, daughter in law and grandson. They drove in from Vernal this morning for her treatment. She is lucky to have a port so the nurse just plugs her in. I am seriously considering a port. I will decide by the end of the day. If i am going to get 9 more IVs, a port is looking real good.
Ahhhh! Our favorite spot opens up. We are so moving, not because i dislike the people next to us but our girls are very active and require a lot of play space.
Nurse Chelsea gets my IV started and starts the drugs. I don't know if i have mentioned what drugs I am being given. My chemo medicine is Cisplatin, basic low dose chemo, probably why i haven't lost any hair. Other medications after chemo Decadron, Emend, Compazine, and Ativan. All these drugs help me to not have nausea. Decadron and emend are both given by IV and then i receive oral medication for two days after chemo.
Chemo is real hard today. I am so tired and weak. Jenn D popped in for a visit. What a nice surprise. Friends, i don't mind if you stop by just let me know ahead of time so i can be presentable, if that's possible. Nice to have people come and see first hand what i am going through. The girls loved seeing Jenn in her uniform. Okay i love seeing Jenn in her uniform. I know a hot lookin' SLC cop. Love it.
One other thing I'm not sure if i have mentioned where the darn fangled tumors are. One is located on the cervix and uterus opening, very visible with a pelvic exam. The other tumor is on the right uterosacral ligament (or recto-uterine ligament) belongs to the major ligaments of uterus. The rectouterine folds contain a considerable amount of fibrous tissue and non-striped muscular fibers which are attached to the front of the sacrum and constitute the uterosacral ligaments. (wikopedia) This is why the doctor didn't try to remove them. My tumors are squamous cell carcinoma.
Okay back to my chemo, the girlfriend of the patient next to me is calling a Coke a Pepsi and it's driving me crazy. I might have to take off my earplugs and tell her it's a Coke! She just graduated high school so maybe she's a little burned out.
Sad to say it but i met two more great people on their way out. Chemo is helping them stay around for a while but they are aware of what is in store for them. This knowledge of knowing you're due date or end date is driving me crazy. From now on I am going to ignore all those dates and let them live as long as they want, in my mind. I can do anything in my mind, even if it is little and only slightly educated.
Sweet PTA friends Jen M and Zalia brought over a yummy dinner and dessert. So awesome to have friends. And thanks to Tommy for rescuing squishy from the roof for Millie, oh and eating some delicious dessert with us!

June 4, 2010

"Be patient with the trials that you have to endure and walk through. They are designed to make you not break you." (ST)

Big day today. After radiation i had the exciting pelvic exam we have been waiting for. Good news and not great news. The tumors are shrinking, not gone but shrinking. That is wonderful news. What happens next is internal radiation for the next five fridays. That wasn't in the original deal but I'm not going to complain if it means getting rid of these tumors. So, the next 5 weeks are going to fly by, i hope. Especially the last three weeks because i will only be having chemo on mondays and the internal radiation on fridays, no daily external radiation, yeah! That still means I have 5 more chemos but I've already done 4 what's another 5? JK.
What does this mean for my MS Ride i have planned for June 25-27? I will find out on friday June 18 if i can skip that week of treatment and go ride my bike for the first time since March 27. Even if i don't ride, I have raised money for people suffering with MS and i will be able to spend some time with my friends. Win win for me.
For the internal radiation procedure, we will go to LDS Hospital. I will be lightly sedated by IV and the whole procedure should last 1 1/2 hours. I will be at the hospital for each treatment for 5 hours.

June 3, 2010

Got up on time. Showered and dressed. I have been using a B-12 drop i put in my gatorade in the morning for a pick me up so i have had a little more energy. Kind of the caffeine jitter energy but anything is better than being sleepy and tired all day.
Radiation went quickly. Tomorrow i have a pelvic exam to check the size of the cancer and to set up a possible internal radiation therapy, also called brachytherapy. I may need two or three of these treatments which will take the place of a regular day of radiation. I will be put to sleep and the procedure can last half an hour or so. I am not looking forward to it but i know it will zap the cancer better than the broad radiation i am receiving daily.
I am hoping to get out of the house today and get the girls so summer shoes and get myself a old lady swimsuit. No string bikinis for me this summer, sorry Chris.

June 2, 2010

This morning i woke up at 6am and couldn't go back to sleep. I got on facebook and chatted a bit with Tim. I then tried to go back to sleep for a hour or two but i couldn't sleep. So i got up and got everyone going. Got breakfast for the girls. I actually put on real clothes and makeup for today's radiation. I looked horrible from chemo yesterday so i decided to try to look half way decent. It works okay. Got Millie off to school and Chris, Ellie and I get into the car and head to radiation.
I walked in the doors with a smile and greeted everyone kindly. I got checked in and was so excited to see the puzzle i was dreading was all packed up. I took the honors of picking the next kick ass puzzle. I tried to find the most colorful puzzle and i succeeded. I got some of the pieces turned over and tech Ronnie came to get me. Oh well i will work on it tomorrow.
Radiation went fast. Finally remembered my ipod. I had them play beastie boys and Ronnie was very pleased, no more phil collins or old school soft rock. Got done fast.
After radiation I went over to the neighbors house for a short visit and then back to the house to start a new puzzle. I didn't want to sit in bed all day so i made myself do a puzzle. it was probably all the B-12 drops in my smoothie that kept me awake all day. I should have taken a nap but that just means I'll sleep through the night. Peace out all!

June 1, 2010

Didn't want to get out of bed because i knew how the day is going to play out. Radiation and chemotherapy and then more bedtime. No fun.
12 more radiations after this one then I'm finished. i just can't wait to ring the celebrate bell. The bell is to announce to everyone in the office you are finished with treatment. They have one for chemotherapy too. I'm getting a picture by both of them. i can't wait.
I took chris back to see the radiation room today. He was surprised by the size of the machine. He had seen my pictures but they didn't do it justice. He watched as the techs got me set up and they all left the room. I'm glad he got to see what i go through every morning.
Off to chemo, second floor. We visited with Dr. Nibley this morning. We talking about the stomach pains and diarrhea. I told him i think i have it under control. He laughed and said you are almost finished with treatment and now you are getting used to the side effects. He said it's going to go by fast now and soon I'm going to be myself again or something similar to myself.
After the meeting it's off to chemo. Chemo is packed today. Everyone had monday off so they are all here packed in like poisoned sardines.
We were lucky to get the last cubbie we usually claim. There was a couple already there but they didn't mind us setting up shop.
Nurse Doug was my nurse for todays events. He started in my right arm but for some reason my blood started to clot in the vial so he had to warm up my other arm and try there. Jackpot. Only two pokes today, and not the good kind.
HGB 12.3, PLT 117, NEU# 1.7. My neutrophil granulocyte numbers are going down but they are high enough to do treatment. Joy. I think i might get out of here before dinner. Praise the Lord.
Chris got me all set up, drinks to the side of me, cel phone, computer, ipod and a salad from Rumbi's, yum. Chris needs to leave to go pick up Ellie. She is at Amy's, our neighbor friends house playing, but I don't know how long Amy can stand Ellie's energy. Millie also has a teacher appreciation activity so chris has to visit the school. Oh yeah and he gets to run to the pharmacy and pick up more drugs for me. What would i do without Chris? i would be screwed! i would have to do this all on my own and I don't want to think of that. I am so grateful for Chris and everything he does for me and how much of my crap he puts up with.
Chris comes back with Millie and Ellie. This is the first time they will see me getting chemo. They both are shy to come to me and then realize they are safe to touch and sit on my lap. I let them sit with me for a bit and then Chris decided to take them downtown on trax to the Clark Planetarium. They stayed there until i was finished with chemo.
While chris and the girls are gone, i talk with the guy next to me. His name Jim, he has stomach liver and lung cancer. He has been given 3-6 months to live. I freaked out inside. Can't believe a doctor was able to give him an idea when his body is going to stop working. I am so grateful for not having to receive this number from a doctor. I have a number but no one is going to tell me when it's up.
I also met a woman name Lisa that has had cancer for five years and is now receiving chemo treatments to keep her tumors from getting bigger. She is going to die of cancer, she tells me. "I am going to die maybe this year maybe next year", she says. I can't believe the people i meet here. Such compassionate, sweet and courageous people that are on their way out. What a way to live or die. I am learning so much from this horrible disease it's actually quite an honor. I hate to say this but i wouldn't trade what i am learning from this journey.

May 31, 2010

Had a great weekend with the family, Got a lot of yard work done. The girls got to play at the neighbors house and go for a walk with Barb and the dogs. For lunch we had hot dogs and fixins. Thanks to Deborah W and Jen M for bringing over dinner and dessert. And of course my anxiety started for the impending radiation/chemo that waits for me in the morning. I actually ended up having a great night sleep.

May 28, 2010

i wore pajama pants to the hospital. I remember the last time i wore pjs out of house, I was 19 years old. crazy. After radiation we went straight home and i went to bed.

May 25, 2010

Got up early and got the girls ready for school and i got a shower. We left for radiation on time knowing we needed to be back to pick up Ellie from school. Radiation went well, they made a few more adjustments on my setup. Every time they do this i feel we are making progress. I leave tired but ready for the activities for the day.
We go pick up Ellie and head over to Millie's school for an award ceremony. I walk into the school and instantly start sweating. I don't know if it's the actual temperature in there or if I'm already having hot flashes, which will soon be in high gear because of the radiation making me sterile.
Back to Millie, we get into the assembly room and the kids come in. She is so excited. We take pictures and go see her in her classroom. She is super excited.
The rest of the day i work on a puzzle with the girls and get to bed early.

May 24, 2010

Radiation went well. Off to chemo. Nurse Deuce took care of me today. she wasn't the best with getting the IV in, okay it took her two times. But it all worked out and I didn't cry. Yeah for being tough. The chemo burns in my veins. i wish i could just pull the iv out and run away. It wouldn't make anything better but it would stop hurting for a little while. Freaks me out that I am having poison put in my veins to fix me. wish i could just take an herb or potato juice and think real hard and get rid of it. i am so tired of thinking about having cancer my head hurts. me me me. i can't stand thinking about myself. i want to do other things like ride my bike, play with my kids, go on dates with my husband do service for someone who needs it. i can't wait for it to be over and get back to the life i have so good. I don't know how I could complain when my life gets back to normal, I will have no excuse. I will dance and jump for joy. I will take advantage of everything, and not let anything pass me up. I want to experience it and help others experience it. i never want to feel useless like this ever again.
goals
no more complaining about my clothes, physical features and not having something.
more adventures with the girls
more dates with chris
more sara chill time to recover from being so cool.
i want to evolve into something so beautiful and peaceful and i want to radiate that feeling to other people just by having them near me. I need the blueprints for this.
love love love everything and everyone, no more hating, disliking is an option, sorry, no one is perfect.

May 22, 2010

I had a great night sleep. We all went to Millie's girls scout awards ceremony today. It was a great time. Millie was the top daisy cookie seller and she got a trophy and goodies. We ate pizza, bread sticks, fruits and veggies and some salads. Dessert was otter pops. They had carnival games and face painting. The girls had a blast! I'm so glad i felt well enough to go. I love seeing the girls running around having fun and meeting new people. Good times.

May 21, 2010

Radiation was difficult today. I was so zapped from the week. My stomach felt swollen.
Millie had a big school event i wanted to feel well enough to attend so i decided to get a lot of rest. Well, when the time came i was still sick in the bathroom. I was not well enough to go. I was so upset i was going to miss it. I made the girls promise to take lots of pictures and tell me all about it when they got home. I was so upset i cried for a while and then realized there will be lots of other programs and the girls understand why i can't go, besides they got to go with dad and dad is a lot of fun.

May 20, 2010

So tired this morning. Didn't even get up to shower. Just rolled out of bed and got in the car. I think chris got the girls off to school, i know i didn't. Got to radiation and walked right passed the front nurses without saying a single word. I was so tired and drained. Radiation took a little longer because the techs needed to re-align my measurements and take some x-rays. Fine tuning the laser beams, brilliant.
Tonight is my brother Sean's last day so we had taco party. Pork tamales, beef burritos, rice, tomatillo dip, guacamole and fresh fixins, so good! "Ate so much i nearly split my pants", props to young MC.

May 19, 2010

Oh yeah, today is a tough day. Got out of bed and showered and crawled back in bed. We were almost late for radiation, but we got there. Got zapped and got out of there. Got back home and went to sleep until 7pm. Got up to eat dinner and went back to bed.

May 18, 2010

Good radiation day. I said hi to the nurses and smiled and meant it. Forgot my ipod again. When I get in the radiation room they hook up my ipod so i can listen to my music. Kind of nice to have to relax. Next time I'll remember. Went home and relaxed.

May 17, 2010

It starts all over again. Today was a very difficult day and actually an eye opening day. We got to radiation early and worked on the puzzle with Chris and some other patients. I got radiated and came back to the waiting area to meet with Dr. Thomson,radiation doc. As chris and I walk to the doctors office I get teary eyed and lose my thoughts. I have a list of things I want to talk to the doc about but I am now realizing with the crying feeling I won't be able to speak without snot coming out of my nose and tears trying to get in my mouth, they always do. Before meeting the doc, I get weighed, i've lost 1 pound and 1 ounce. The doc wants me to start eating more calories, which I thought i was doing. I start to talk and then look to Chris to finish my sentences, i am still crying. Chris tries to tell the doc what I am feeling and with my snotty nose and wet face explaining how difficult this treatment is and how i don't know how I'm going to make it another five weeks. doc says i may need some antidepressants. WTF? i don't want to take any pills, i just want to get back to my working out and getting the natural high from a good sweat. Doc says that is not possible right now and I think you need meds. I of course cry and take the prescription. Little do I know I already have a plan, I just didn't know it yet.
We got up to chemotherapy around 11:39pm, thats 1 hour and some late. This is going to be a long day! Still watery eyes I sit in the waiting room patiently and I don't even partake of the candy basket, weird huh? Nurse "extremely full of sunshine and funny remarks" comes to take us back to get temp, oxygen, heart rate and weight. Next straight to chemo. Chemo has turned into a competition for me, not to get done first because that will never happen but to get the best cubbie. It's only chemo 2 and I am on the cubbie war path. Aaahhh Chris found the last one open so we planted ourselves there. Great view of the radiation signs and the north valley, oh and the rock pit. Nurse DeAnn comes over already to start poking, little does she know I have no good veins in either arm, travesty for me. Nurse D decides my hand is the best place and starts her poking, oh the fun of pain, she thinks she got it in and yet there is no blood, what does she do, she leaves it in longer. This is probably what you are supposed to do but for someone who is allergic to IV's it wasn't what I had in mind. Finally the vein colapses and she pulls it out. she goes for the biggest one in my arm nearest the elbow, I thought to myself and out loud "i'm not going to be able to bend my arm much." Deann says sorry but its the best vein so she pokes and has great success on her end. IV successful at 12:30pm.
My white, red and any other counts she checked are great and starts me on nausea meds. I listened to some classical music on the ipod while receiving these meds, Chris leaves on a food and prescription mission. He comes back successful just in time for me to start my saline. RUMBI BBQ Chicken salad for me. So delicious! I washed it down will a 300 calorie boost drink and a gatorade. We get pulled to the docs office for a quick visit to make sure everything is great. Why do they have to interupt a perfectly great chemo lunch salad, geez.
While I am getting my saline I go to the snack area and work on a puzzle. not really a puzzle, only has like 500 pieces but i will knock it out, and i do because i'm bad ass and chris came and helped a little. All this time my saline slightly burns in my veins. I remedy this pain with a rice hot pad that is provided by the nurses, great way to hide the pain.
Beep beep beep goes my IV machine so it's back to the cubbie for my chemo duds. Just like last time, the chemo burns and the nurse has to lower the rate of input. I would rather take longer than feel that pain.
I decided to rest for a little while but I can't. I text and read and stare at the clouds outside wishing I was riding my bike underneath them. Big beautiful clouds with a warm wind, what a workout that would be.
Around 5:49pm nurse deann pulls out my IV and sends us on our way. It's about damn time. We make it home for salad, papa murphys pizza and dessert provided to us by Crystal B, thanks for the good eats crystal! oh and i just finished writing this at 11:17pm and I'm not sick, thank goodness. My game plan is going to work, oh i forgot to tell you about the game plan. So here it is, I'm determined to be the physically fit or more so person i was before this all happened. I am determined to have a great attitude for whatever comes my way. I am determined to be a better wife and mother and friend. I will do all of this with my new strength, courage and determination. I will do my best!

May 16, 2010

Yeah I had big plans for this day but it didn't work out. Chris mow the lawn and got some stuff done in the yard which I usually am in charge of. This would be chris' fourth time mowing the lawn since we have lived in this house since 2004. I take great pride in the yard work. Chris makes the money, I make sure everything at home is spic and span. I slept for a few hours sat outside for a little while, watered the garden and back inside to rest some more. Tomorrow is a big day, radiation and chemo again. I have done it before but I was still very hesitant to go. I thought to myself, "Sara, you don't need to go do this, cancer is just a way for doctors and insurance companies to make money." okay not all true, but i do have cancer and wishing it away is not going to work in my case.

May 15, 2010

I am determined to get up and do some housework. I feel I need to do this, it is what i have been doing my whole life and I like they way I feel accomplishing it. Usually cleaning the master room, bathroom, hall, front room, kitchen and basement takes me about 1 1/2 hours, dusted, straightened, vacuumed and mopped. Today it took me 4 1/2 hours. This is with 3 breaks. I kept going determined to say I was the one who finally cleaned the house and claim my house back. It stayed clean for 45 minutes and then the girls came in from making mud pies, I love my girls. Just to see it clean was awesome. Did I mention for dinner we had chili dogs and tots. probably not the most healthy meal but I have already lost 1 pound I figured it would help get some fat and calories back on. Thanks brother sean for all the delicious food!

May 14, 2010

Arrived to radiation in tears. Most of the water works was from being so tired and having no control over my physical body. My muscles are so tired and achy. Each nurse wants to greet you "how are you sara?" i want to take my fingers and poke out their eyes but I know they mean well so I let the water works continue and ride it out. My pain today was a 4 on a scale of 1-10, 10 being worst pain. My hip is bugging me but the doctor thinks it's the muscles getting back into shape and over compensating for other movements I'm doing, oh yeah and the radiation burning my insides. I sleep the rest of the day.

May 13, 2010

No time for love Dr. jones time for more f(&)ing radiation. So glad it's quick but it is starting to hurt my insides, by this i mean it feels like i have a sunburn on my inside lady bits. I am physically exhausted from chemo now. I am eating toast and applesauce but tonight we have a wonderful meal planned. Dinner from Julie J, pork enchiladas and yes I ate two of them with sour cream. So delicious and i didn't get sick.

May 12, 2010

Today is only radiation but i am drained already. Chris wakes up and gets the girls breakfast and millie off to school. i wake up at 9am and dragged myself to the shower to wash my funk off. I am finally in the car ready for my wonderful husband to drive me to radiation. In and out of radiation like a star. Today I walk over to chit chat with the neighbors, water the garden and wash a load of laundry. Then by 2pm I am beat and take a nap until 7pm. Talk about a time warp. I hope tomorrow will be better.

May 11, 2010

Start the day at a wonderful performance for my daughter ellie at her school. So awesome to see her sing songs and have fun. she is a true free spirit.
Next off to radiation at 11:30 am and chemo at 1:30 pm. We get to radiation and do my first official radiation, i rocked it. Next off to the hospital cafeteria for a big meal with Chris. I got a huge sandwich with some snacks. I didn't want to go too crazy because i am not sure what chemo will do to my stomach.
1:30 pm came too soon. we went to chemo and checked in. we saw the doctor assistant and nurse. I get my temp, heart rate and weight. looks good, off to chemo. chemo is a big open area with lots of nice leather reclining chairs that make you so comfortable, but my thing is getting a cubbie and cornering it off and having me and chris both have lazy boys to sit it, kind of selfish but seriously there are a ton of chairs, i'll count them next time i'm there, no shortage. we sit in an awesome cubbie and get ready for the nurse, oh yeah, here come the water works from sara. i am terrified of IVs oh and chemo. it's going to happen because this is the treatment I have chosen so i sit there, but i still cry quietly. Chris comforts me and lets me know i am tough and if i'm not tough i am pretty good at faking it so start faking, not really but it sounded good. what would i do without Chris, be severely heartbroken and lost.
Nurse Stephanie comes in and greets us. she is very sweet and kind and is ready to get the ball rolling. first up, she takes my blood and starts the IV, i hate this part but i did it first try. Seriously can't believe it. This IV is started at 1:45pm and Stephanie does not come back until 2pm. Nurse lets me know she is off doing the blood work and making sure all my counts are good. 2pm Stephanie starts my anti nausea meds, i receive two little bags of meds, they take about 30 to 45 minutes. After that comes the saline bag which can take about 1 1/2 hours. During this time I am free to wander the chemo area, work on puzzles, eat, go to the bathroom and bother other patients and nurses. I am not allowed to leave the building, nice try sara. All IV meds sting in my veins so the nurse had to slow the rate down so it takes even longer, oh well, the kids are being taken care of and thats most of my worry. 4:50 pm rolls around and i finally get hooked up to the chemo. Not a good feeling going in my veins, burns and makes me sleepy sort of. I figure we won't get finished until after 6pm so i just sit back and relax. i make several trips to the bathroom. Chris leaves and gets prescriptions filled and I try to rest. I ended up closing the place. my first time and i'm already causing problems. Not really but that too entirely too long.
While leaving chemo I feel heavy and tired. Heavy like i have so much liquid in my body i can't get rid of it and physically tired. Tired of crying, tired of stressing and worrying about what its going to be like, and tired of missing my girls. i just want to get home and eat. But what do i want to eat, toast. lame. I had no appetite when i got home. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. oh did i mention I have 4 different pills to keep my from puking. Crazy how many drugs they can prescribe when i know of one earth ground herb that can cure all of these illnesses. Too bad i am still fighting off a wicked cough. later days.
Still can't believe i have cancer, hard to believe. i remember when I told my friend Tim I had it and I thought, "you're lying Sara, you shut your mouth and tell him that was a lie, but it was the truth," I just couldn't believe it.

May 10, 2010

dry run. today i go to get set up on the Trilogy radiation machine. the daily procedure lasts about 5 minutes. i check in at the front desk, change into a robe if i'm not wearing soft pants, and work on a puzzle. The nurse will eventually come get me, I only end up waiting a few minutes. Chris comes with me to every appointment. i don't know what i would do without him. i guess i would do it myself but having a support system is a great gift for me. having a shoulder to cry on is also real helpful.
i took pictures of the room so people could see what it looks like. i especially like the ceiling art of tree blossoms. gives me something to focus on and relax during the procedure. before laying down i sign in and rate my pain for the day and any other issues. Then I lay on the table in a fake pair of my legs that have been molded to my legs to make sure i have an exact fit every time, doesn't really make sense. I have three tattoos on the parts of my body that are getting radiated. The technicians line up the machine to my exact dimensions and leave the room closing me off to the world with a door that is about 6 inches thick, i think im getting the short end of the stick or whatever. The machine starts on my right hip, one buzz for about 12 seconds, then the machine moves around to my abdomen for 10 seconds, and so on until it ends on the fourth round on my back. The machine resets itself and the hugemongous door opens and the techs come back inside to get me off the slab. thats radiation. welcome to my weekdays at 10 am until june 17.

May 7, 2010

Today i have decided to go to girl scout camp with Millie. I just hope i won't be a party pooper. I got us both packed and loaded up the Subaru. I asked Auntie Jen to watch Ellie for the night while we are at camp because Chris will be working late. We drive to Orem and we stop at Auntie Adies house. At Adies house i take a rest for about 1 1/2 hours and then me and Millie head up Provo Canyon to Trefoil girl scout camp. Oh yeah, Adie is going to drive Ellie down to Jens house so i don't have to, what a great sister.
At Trefoil we unpack the car, actually other moms helped us take our stuff to the lodge, i don't think i could have done it alone.
We got unpacked and set up with our mattresses.
Millie had so much fun running around with the other girl scouts from her troop. it was so much fun. That night we had potato bar dinner and dessert. After food we had singing and goofing around time. I was so much fun to watch Millie learning new songs and new friends.
That night was the longest night ever. I was getting up to go to the bathroom and the room we slept in had the loudest door so every time anyone went to the bathroom it slammed. No one thought the prop it open, not even me, what was i thinking? Oh well the fun of camping.
Next day we had breakfast and crafts and we even went on a hike. We stayed until about 2pm and left. Millie told me she had lots of fun and didn't mind that i sat around a lot. Thank goodness. I'm glad i made myself go and not just take the easy way out and lay in bed. What great memories for Millie and me.

May 4, 2010

we got millie off to school and i had chris go to work because a CT scan couldn't be that difficult. i sent ellie with amy and asked amy if she could drive me to the alta view hospital for the scan. i told her it wouldn't take that long, little did i know it would take far longer than i expected. i went up to the second floor to admitting and waited for about 10 minutes. i checked in and the admitting lady told me i needed to pay because sometimes insurance companys don't pay for CT scans. great to know just before the procedure. she then tells me they can run up to $5000. WTF? off to radiology.
i check in and the lady hands me some papers to fill out and a huge jug of yellow liquid. "you need to drink a cup of this every 20 minutes. you will need to finish by 1pm." 1pm i'm not staying that long. i asked her when this would be finished and she said 2pm. i started freaking out. she then told me i would have an IV. this is what made me start crying. i went out in the hall and called amy and told her it would be a long appointment and she was okay with watching ellie. thank goodness.
i went back into the waiting area and started drinking the liquid. it tasted like diet crystal light. i would plug my nose to drink it. it was very nasty. this started at 11:30 and ended at 1:15, almost 2 hours later. "SARA?" the nurse was calling me finally. she lead me to the procedure room. she asked me if i was wearing any metal clothing and i said no. i did something right. she told me to drink the rest of the drink, which i just threw away. i saw the machine and the table i had to lay down on and i freaked out. i held it together for a little bit. "how are you sara?" "super duper." i said to the nurse. she asked what i was being seen for and i told her cancer. she said oh i'm so sorry and i almost lost it. hold it together. i got on the slab and told them i need something under my knees. they put something for support. the nurse decided to start the IV on my left arm. she tried once and couldn't get a line so she called the nurse. he came in and talked a lot. i was now gently crying and trying to answer his never ending questions. he poked me once in the left arm and then changed to the right arm. "let me go get the cheater", the nurse said. i said okay and he went and got an ultrasound machine. he tried one more time and got a line in without the machine. the nurse told me i was going to taste a metal taste in my mouth and it will feel like im peeing my pants. great! she told me to raise my hands above my head and listen to the commands of the machine. i am still having a hard time not crying and the IV isn't feeling good. in fact it is stinging a little. i go in and out of the donut shaped machine 2 or 3 times then the nurse says there is going to be a warm feeling in my iv and i should just relax. it started stinging and i could taste the metal and it felt like i peed my pants."i think i just peed my pants." the nurse said it just feels like it and i said i think i really peed my pants. she promised it wasn't pee just a feeling and she stopped the machine. she said we are going to wait 2 minutes then start again. i just wanted it to be over. i went through the machine 2 or 3 more times and then the nurse asked if i had any more tests. i have no idea, don't they know this. in a nice voice i said, "not that i know of", and she took out my IV. thank goodness. she got the support from under my knees and i sat up.
i got my things and started back toward the waiting room. i heard my phone ringing and it was chris. he told me he was at the hospital but the wrong hospital. i told him just to meet me at home and i would have amy pick me up. she came and got me. she and ellie had so much fun. they went to mcdonalds, the library and then the grocery store. amy was so sweet about taking care of ellie. i so appreciate her doing that for me. i want to repay her but i dont know how? chris came home and stayed with me. i don't know how people go through this alone.
chemo meeting that night. somewhat informative. the nurse said i might lose patches of my hair, i thought i wasnt going to lose any. we got a big packet and we had a tour. watched a really old movie with real bad devotionals by real bad actors, they said they were real people but i beg to differ. Finally got home and went to bed, long day.